


Dear God

by shampoo153



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:31:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shampoo153/pseuds/shampoo153
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Misaki, Shinobu, and Hiroki's perspectives on their religion and relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear God

Dear God, hope you got the letter  
And I pray you can make it better down here  
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer  
But all the people that you made in your image  
See them starving on their feet  
Cause they don't get enough to eat  
From God, I can't believe in you

* * *

Dear God

Before my brother could legally take me as my guardian, I was sent to a Monastery, no, a church of Christianity. I learned prayer there; I learned that homosexuality is unnatural.

I never really thought about it, until I saw a silver haired man pushing against my brother when I got home; then I didn't know what to do.

At first, I found myself hating this man who so defied the natural order of reproduction, hating this man who tried to subjugate my dearest brother into the blasphemous illusions of homosexuality.

Then I found myself falling in love him

I moved in with him, and soon found myself attacked nearly daily to his homosexual ministrations. I found myself wondering if God would really punish me for loving a man; if he would punish me for not wanting to be away from the very person I love with all of my being. For letting said man use my body for his sins.

Would he? I don't think so. We were taught that God is kind; God is forgiving and that He loves all of his creatures, even the sinners.

We don't hurt anyone, we love each other; we express it. We don't hurt anyone.

Will He punish us?

"Our Father, who art thou in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses; as we forgive those we trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." I was just finishing my prayers when I heard my door open. Knowing it was Usagi-san, I closed my and whispered, "Amen."

After a few seconds of silence I felt Usagi-san settle himself beside me as I opened my eyes.

"Why do you pray, Misaki?"

I turned to look at my love, not that I would ever say that aloud, and couldn't stop my confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Why do you pray to a God of a religion that abhors us?" Usagi-san's expression gives away nothing, of course.

"Abhor? No of course not, God loves us all, even the sinners."

"We are sinners, and we're worse. We're homosexuals."

"Yes, we're homosexuals; we do sin, but everyone commits at least one sin. God forgives us of our sins in exchange for our love. We ask for love and forgiveness in our prayers. We give respect through our prayers, that's why we give thanks before we eat. We're respecting the spirits by giving them our thanks for our food." I smile at him, quite pleased with my own answer.

" . . . How do you pray?"

"Huh?" what kind of question was that?

"How do you pray, you seemed pretty absorbed in what you were doing earlier. Do you concentrate on the words, or the meanings? Do you think of other things while you're praying?"

"Well, everyone prays differently. Praying is like communicating with God, you thank him for what you have, for what you feel. Sometimes I do think about other things, and sometimes my focus is completely on the prayer. It's never certain; it's simply like talking to anyone else." I wasn't sure if this was the best way to communicate what I thought, but it was the best I could do.

"Misaki . . ." Usagi-san was looking at me; thankfully his look was lovingly innocent. I wouldn't feel right have Usagi-san looking at me lustfully during a conversation about God.

"N-nani?" Didn't mean I wasn't nervous.

"I love you." I felt tears well up in my eyes. I always love it when he says that in tone, soft and gentle, not lustful or rough . . .

"I- I . . ." I couldn't find the words now.

Usagi-san didn't seem to mind, for he picked me and spooned me; for the first time in _my_ bed, not his.

He didn't touch me inappropriately like he usually does, but he simply held me.

I curled and fingers around his and closed my eyes.

' _I love you.'_

* * *

Dear God, sorry to disturb you  
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear  
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears  
And all the people that you made in your image  
See them fighting in the street  
Cause they can't make opinions meet  
About God, I can't believe you

* * *

"I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow men with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.

I am a heretic, I have sinned –"

"Shinobu-chin, is something wrong?"

I snapped up, stunned, I had not heard Miyagi come home.

"I, no, nothing . . ."

The door opened and Miyagi came in, looking incredibly tired from his day.

"Miyagi-kun, how was your day." Probably terrible, but I asked anyway. I once heard a few girls from school complain that their boyfriends didn't care about them and how their day went.

"Ugh, terrible. I usually don't hate my students, but today they were too excited about that stupid fair to do anything but text and chat all day long. Damn, was I happy to get off today." Miyagi undid his tie, took off his jacket and threw himself on the bed.

I stood from his kneeling position beside the bed and lay onto Miyagi, resting my head on the man's shoulder. I could feel his heart beating in synch with mine.

' _I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.'_

I felt his arm wrap around me, resting on the small of my back and sighed. Was it such a sin to be with the only one I've ever wanted?

Yes, yes it was, but was it right of me to force Miyagi into this same damnation? No, no it wasn't. I shouldn't have even come back to Japan: I should have never told someone as un-damned as my sister's ex-husband that I loved him.

"Something wrong, Shinobu-chin?" I could tell him now that I wanted out. He wouldn't stop me from leaving; he always said that if he was ever in the way of my future, he would move aside. Now I could leave, he could repent . . .

"No, nothing. Just thinking." Am I really so selfish that I could never bring myself to do the right thing?

I used to keep my distance from everyone I could, especially men. I didn't know if my deviance was contagious, but I had always decided to be the bigger man and never risk it.

I can't help but wonder if it was really _is_ contagious, hadn't Miyagi been straight before I came in contact with him? Had I really infected with Miyagi with my deviance; had I turned my dearest love into a sinner like me?

' _O My God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and avoid the near occasions of sin. Amen.'_

"I can never help but wonder what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, kiddo." He turned and actually looked at me when he said this. No, Miyagi, you don't, please don't ever figure out. If you knew, you might leave me.

"Why would you wonder that?" Please be an idle desire.

"You always want to know my every thought, yet I'm hurt that you never share yours." Miyagi sounded kind of serious . . .  
"My thoughts are nothing important." Said Satan to Adam in the sacred garden, " _I speak the truth and make it so."_

"I love you, Shinobu-chin." W-what?

"N-nani?"

"I love you." Okay, I wasn't hallucinating.

"Why did you say that?"

"Because I'm worried."

"Worried about what?"

"Worried that the reason you aren't sharing your thoughts with me is because you want someone else. That you've grown tired of this old man." Is he questioning my love for him? How dare he!

"How dare you?" I jerked up and glared down at him, he looked vaguely surprised, yet unstartled.

"How dare you question my love for you? How could you even think that? I love you, you fucking moron! You stupid old man, I've always loved you, and I always will! Who else could even compare to you?" I'm shouting, and I know, but I can't stop. I question my deviance, the rightness of forcing said deviance onto him, but never my love toward. No never my love.

"Yeah, you always say that. Yet you never tell me what about me exactly, you love. What was it about me was really what caught your eye? If the librarian had been the one who had chased away those kids, would you have considered it fate and be chasing after them? What if it was one of your friends? Would I be hearing, secondhand, about your relationship with a friend of yours from the Dean?" Miyagi was looking me in the eye, and I faltered, just briefly.

Wouldn't Miyagi reject me when he learned of the transfer of my deviance to him?

People didn't give sinners like me a future…they give me leave to punish myself.

"I love you . . ." I faltered, could I? This was a chance for me to break Miyagi from me, to give him a chance to a proper life.

I struggled, and I saw his eyes narrow. I was silent too long.

"Forget it; apparently you don't even know something about me that would attract you." His voice is cold and rough, and I realize that he's angry, furious.

_I am nothing but a heretic that will only condemn the lives of those I contaminate._

One last chance . . .

"NO! I can, I really can." Why couldn't I ever just let him go?

"Yeah, like what?" his voice is still cold.

"Your eyes." I couldn't stop now, I should, but I can't. "I love your eyes. They're dark and they're not open, but they're expressive. You have intense eyes, like you're always thinking something serious, even when you're acting stupid." My eyes were closed by now; I couldn't look at him, no until I had it all out.

"And your voice, you have a deep voice, I – I can't fully explain it, but it makes me feel safe, and childish at the same time. When you're speaking to me, I feel like-like I" I'm faltering. I take a deep breath and shakily exhale.

"Like I can't think; like I can't breathe."

"Your hair's kind of rough, but I like it too. It's not overly soft, or so smooth that I couldn't grip it . . ." It suddenly occurs to me _why_ I would grip it and I gulp.

I couldn't stop now, not now. I had to finish.

"You have large hands, and I love them too. I- i- It's –" I'm really faltering now, I don't know if I can finish.

' _I love it when your hands are on my body, rubbing me, or ruffling my hair. I love it when you're touching me, in any way; in any form. I love the roughness of your hands, mostly because that, despite their roughness, you always touch me; hold me, so gently.'_

Why couldn't I say this out loud? Why do I have to gulp it all down?

I felt him move, but I simply curled into myself more tightly, unable to look at him.

I can't finish, why can't I finish?

' _I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.'_

"Shinobu-chin."

His voice had become so soft, so-

_'I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.'_

"Shinobu, look at me." His voice was soft, but there was authority that would not be denied.

I hadn't finished, I _couldn't_ finish: I couldn't look at him until I-

"Look at me."

Hesitantly, I looked up into his eyes, and was struck speechless by the sheer softness, yet depthless quality . . .

I knew his eyes well, but there was something _more_ , something-

"I love you, my little Terrorist."

I could feel my heart swell until I couldn't breathe.

"I love you."  
' _I won't let you go'_

' _I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.  
_ _I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.'_

' _Miyagi, my love, I have given you my deviance and I have damned you as well. I'm a terrible person. I love you.'_

I couldn't hold back my gasp, of both pain and pleasure as Miyagi pushed into me.

' _I am a heretic, I have sinned. I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow man with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive.'_

I couldn't stop my tears as I moved with him. There was heat boiling through my blood, but guilt blocking my throat.

_I am damned._  
 _I am damned.  
_ _I . . ._

_I am damned._

* * *

Did you make disease and the diamond blue?  
Did you make mankind, after we made you?  
And the Devil, too?

Dear God, don't know if you noticed  
But your name is in a lot of quotes in this book  
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look  
And all the people that you made in your image  
Still believing that junk is true  
Well, I know it ain't and so do you

* * *

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I awake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

I watched Nowaki finish his prayers for the night and wondered how someone with his intelligence could be religious.

' _Religion has nothing to do with intelligence. Many intelligent people hold religious customs; lack of religion holds no inference to either inferiority or superiority.'_

I sighed, damn my _own_ intelligence. Why couldn't I just hate the religious and be done with the damn thing? Live my life in ignorance?

But, then, would I not love Nowaki?

Well, who the hell said I loved him in the first place?! I'm attracted to him, and I've grown to rely on him as a constant in my life, like Akihiko, nothing more . . . nothing less.

"Hiro-san?"

I started, Nowaki's voice having caught me off guard. I brought myself out of my mind and froze when I saw that he was watching me.

"N-nani?"

"How come you don't pray?"

I froze. "Wha- What the hell is wrong with you?!" What was wrong with him? "You don't just go around asking people about this –this-" This what? What _had_ he been asking of me?

' _Filthy little fa-t! Get out of here, we want nothing to do with you!'_

Nowaki's eyes were dark and serious, which scared me more than anything. "Does Hiro-san not have religion?"

I stiffened, what if he left because – What the hell am I thinking? He said that he loves me and if he can't accept such a vital part of me, the hell with him!

_'That won't stop my heart from breaking, though'_

"Yeah, so what?" I ask, the statement coming more roughly than I meant for it to.

Nowaki was silent for a moment, two moments . . .

'Why is he so quiet, will he really leave me because I'm atheist?'

"Does it bother you, Hiro-san?"

"W-What? Does what bother me?"

Nowaki had lowered his head and was looking towards the ground when he answered, "Does it bother you that I'm Christian? I'm sure you have a good reason for not having faith, but I do. Does it bother you when I pray?" Nowaki looked up and I felt my chest constrict.

Idiot, he was worrying that I would leave because he has religion and I don't? That was-

"That's the stupidest thing you've ever said."

He looked up, startled, "What? Hiro-san . . . "

"Idiot, and here I was worrying that you were going to leave _me_ -" What the hell did I just say?

' _Don't touch me, you're no son of mine. Just get out of here, you homosexual piece of shit. You heretic.'_

"Hiro-san, I would never leave you because of your religious choices . . . and you would never leave me." Nowaki spoke quietly, but happily.

Idiot.

"A-anyway, I have to go visit Akihiko. He wants me to edit one of his new stories." I was escaping, but what the hell.

I saw Nowaki's eyes darken at the mention of my best friend, but he nodded and wished me a safe journey.

' _Why is there a god who won't help those who can't help but be themselves? Why care about a god who won't help those he created? What's the point? He won't help, because he's not there.'_

I opened the door, pleased that I wouldn't have to wait in the rain while I had a key.

Akihiko was sitting on the couch and seemed to be waiting as he smoked.

"Ah, Hiroki, there you are. A bit late, huh? Boyfriend give you trouble?"

I glared at him, but said nothing. It pissed me off that I couldn't help but give my childhood best friend special treatment.

' _There is no use in praying to a god that is either not listening, or doesn't exist. It's just so pointless.'_

"He just asked me a question that took me a while to answer, that's all."

Akihiko was silent, and I edited the manuscript, mostly just picking up typos.

"You're not fully atheist."

…

…

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

I glared at the overstepping bastard as hard as I could, "Baka, what the hell are you saying? Where do you get off?"

Akihiko was wearing his calm poker face, but I could tell he was being serious, and it scared me.

That pissed me off.

"You're too passionate about it to simply not believe in the whole concept. The gods weren't there for you, so you hate them."

"FUCK OFF!" I saw Bakahiko start, but this only pissed me off more; did this bastard simply think he could get away with these things because he's my best friend? "WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF? DID I EVER ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION?"

It occurred to me that I might lose my voice soon if I kept yelling like that. "You may be my best friend, but that's all you are, bastard. I know you're used to people simply lying down and taking your shit, but when did you ever think you could get away with that shit with _me_?" I could see understanding stir in his eyes and his mouth opened, but I didn't want to hear it.

' _Fa-t, fa-t, get out of here! You'll infect us with your gay germs!'_

"I don't care anymore, Bastard! You have to learn boundaries! Even with Takahiro, you couldn't fully restrain yourself. You wrote down all of your dirty little fantasies with him and you molested him every chance you had! Who knows, you might be able to hold on to your _only friend_."

I was panting, but I didn't care.

' _Hey, take this fa-t! How you like that, huh? Feel good, bastard?'_

"Hiroki, I-"

"I DON'T CARE!"

Where the hell does he get off, saying that shit to me? I slammed the door as hard as I could; feeling a sense of satisfaction when I heard the wood splinter.

' _Kamijou Hiroki, I'm sorry, but your mother; she didn't make it. I'm sorry.  
_ _No you're not! Don't say that, you don't know any of us, so don't say that!'_

I left and took the train home, back to Nowaki.

I don't believe in god, you bastard.

' _Get out of this house, you little piece of shit, cocksucker. Get out and never come back.'_

I can't.

' _How'd you like that, huh? Why are you crying, huh? I thought gays liked it up the ass.'_

Because . . .

' _I'm sorry. But the God's will works in mysteries ways, Young Master, Hiroki. It was her time to go.'_

There was no god.

* * *

Dear God  
I can't believe in  
I don't believe in

I won't believe in Heaven or Hell  
No saints, no sinners, no Devil as well  
No pearly gates, no thorny crown  
You're always letting us humans down  
The wars you bring, the babes you drown  
Those lost at sea and never found  
It's the same the whole world round  
The hurt I see helps to compound  
That the Father, Son, the Holy Ghost  
Is just somebody's unholy hoax

And if you're up there, you'll perceive  
That my heart's here upon my sleeve  
If there's one thing I don't believe in . . .

It's you . . .  
Dear God

"Dear God" - XTC

**Author's Note:**

> Ff.net import.  
> Another one I did a long time before I understood that the Eastern culture has such a different way of practicing and viewing religion, so it probably doesn't make much sense in that context anymore.


End file.
